i wish it never entered my mind

i wish it never entered my mind

i don’t know how to forgive myself

and i don’t know how to forgive you

all i have is memories of a time

that feels like it never happened

i wish it never entered my mind

would have rather saved us from the pain

but, we met

from casual to what felt like multidimensional interactions

we took love on a trip

we couldn’t wait any longer

we wanted more and more

and at some point

there wasn’t more to get

we couldn’t pull on our strings anymore

because they didn’t make the same sound

our song changed

an arrangement i couldn’t move with

we went from plural to singular

giant steps back

i know no path is linear

but i was waiting for you at the end

and you couldn’t show up

i wept until there was nothing left

i never thought i could feel so alone yet so physically close

and i think that hurt ever more

i was within kiss

and i still missed you

i played the rigid tune on my own

wailing with the chords i once loved

like i loved you

you said the last time was the last time

but really it was just like the first

recycled trauma and unseen truth

i wish it never entered my mind

your mom sent me a christmas card signed

“i miss you in my garden”

i shoveled up my fears of reaching out to you

and i still didn’t

i couldn’t

my tears would have grown her favorite flowers

i tried to leave you

but you couldn’t leave me either

choked by potential

restrained with vulnerability

when i left

you thrived

and i perished

we knew we weren’t right for each other

you couldn’t admit it

but i did

i told you and it hurt you

and i can’t say i’m sorry

i just wish it never entered my mind

i wish it never entered my mind

when i left

i felt like there was no reason to live

i was in a twisted dark tunnel

looking for light

looking for life

the patience I had with you

i wish I had for myself

i broke almost every piece of this 4’10 body

beating my mind and every limb

you made the aisles in my chest burn

from the inside out

no church bells

just the thought of you sent flames whispering

hymns down my skin

i was so angry

i lost myself

for the self destruction that occurred, I at least had faith

a small piece of faith that led to a rebirth

it never entered my mind that i needed that to happen to me

until now

the person i am today wasn’t the person I was two years ago

she is alive

she has evolved

she is strong

she is resilient

she doesn’t need to wish it never entered her mind

because it did

it happened

it’s gone

that experience changed me

and I now know what it feels like to actually live

to live honestly and fully

i love myself so much

this is the revolution I’ve been waiting for

i have become my own wave

i am happy

i am alive